Heavy is the crown...
Quarantine has really done a number on so many of our relationships and specifically within our family, quarantine has impacted our marriage in powerfully positive ways as well as challenging ones. One of the incredible ways that quarantine has impacted us, is its ability to created opportunities for intimate conversations in which we have been able to be really raw, authentic and vulnerable in ways that've allowed us to express ourselves as we've been navigating the blessings of marriage, parenthood, entrepreneurship and simply life in America this past year as a young, Black family.
From the moment we decided to date, one thing I can say that we pride ourselves on is our intentionality and ability to connect with each other & Spirit to manifest the life we've always wanted for ourselves and each other as we grow from individuals, to a couple, into a family. In many of our conversations recently, however, we've also spent time discussing mutual feelings of being somewhat overwhelmed by all of the intentions that have manifested within the 4 short years of knowing one another.
So check this out:
We met in 2016.
We moved in together almost exactly one year later.
The following year, 2 years from the exact day that we met, CB proposed.
6 short months later we were married in a small, intimate, courthouse wedding with about 10 friends & family members as witnesses.
Within 4 months of our courthouse wedding, we hosted 3 different parties both in DC & Louisiana.
Fewer than 2 weeks after the last celebration, we found out we were pregnant with Josiah.
Jo was born on March 14th, 2020 & the entire country went into mandatory lockdown on March 16th (...and holy crap that was close because if he'd come on time, I would have had to deliver him alone!!).
Although we were doing the best we could as brand new parents in the middle of a nationwide quarantine, we were really beginning to outgrow our 2bd apartment with both an 80lb Pitbull & a cat at home, so we became intentional about manifesting the exact house that we wanted and BOOM.
June 26th, 3 months after Josiah is born, we moved into our first home.
The entire time I was on maternity leave, mind you, I kept thinking about manifesting another stream of income. I wasn’t quite sure at the time what it would be but I knew I wanted to make a product rather than a provide a service (like my other business World English Tutor, LLC)! I thought about it and thought about it in between feedings, pumping & dealing with the somewhat grueling postpartum recovery process and moments after I opened the box of 3, 2oz mist bottles with which I was just going to try out a few essential oil blends for postpartum relief, CB says “you’re going to sell those, right”. Bruh.
I gave it a name, created a logo, printed out labels and Cosmic Scents was born! Within little over a month, I’d generated thousands in sales. Orders were coming in left and right and ideas for new scents + crystal infusions were abundant.
So as I’d prayed for in the final days of my pregnancy with Josiah, when my maternity leave was over, it was back to working with my clients via my business, W.E. Tutor which I was excited about but hell, I’d never run a business, while being a brand new mother, in a new home, as a new wife while running a brand new business, oh right, in the middle of a global pandemic, oh and don’t forget, in the midst of nationwide civil unrest.
Navigating marriage, parenthood, homeownership & entrepreneurship all within the confines of our residence as we simultaneously navigated life carefully & meticulously amid a global pandemic & deepening racial tensions is NOT NORMAL.
At a certain point, despite simply trying to make it from one day to the next while shouldering the weight of all the responsibilities for everything we'd prayed for, one of us would wake up "off", we'd each have mood swings throughout the day between irritation, joy, frustration & exhaustion, becoming so easily triggered by stuff we were seeing on the news & social media, that eventually, we had to come together as friends & partners to sift through what in the entire hell was going on.
What we uncovered when we talked was that we were both feeling emotionally, physically, mentally & spiritually drained, exhausted, overwhelmed and hyperextended. We also admitted to one another that we were both feeling a bit uncomfortable in the life that we’d been so intentional about manifesting because we were also each struggling to answer with the common questions often associated with Imposter's Syndrome: "how is this all possible?", "is something going to happen?" & the typical, "do I really deserve all this?".
I was personally struggling to embrace the responsibilities of this life we're living because as an adolescent and young 20-somethin, sure I’d entertained the idea of eventually having a family of my own but honestly, I couldn't *see* it. Shit, the men I was dating at the time certainly weren’t real contenders nor was I in any shape (emotionally, spiritually, financially) to become anyone’s wife, so the idea was seemingly fleeting and becoming more and more out of reach.
As I embarked on the arduous journey of deep inner healing, however, things were definitely starting to fall into place and then I met my husband and BOOM, the businesses, the family, the house, the joy, the abundance, all seemed to be happening at once and although we were grateful, we were also struggling to fully embrace who we were becoming as parents, spouses, home owners & successful business owners because the weight of all the responsibilities was really freaking HEAVY!
Yes, we'd prayed for it.
Yes, we documented our intentions.
Yes, we visualized it all.
Yes, we were coming to terms with believing that we were deserving of it.
Yes, we were situated ourselves to receive it.
....but NO we weren't expecting for it to all happen at once!
We’re each on the journey of learning more about how to fully embrace these new identifies, & how we each want to own them in our unique way(s) but unlike before when you could go out with friends for a bit to get away from it all, take a break from it all, take a breather, reset and return to our lives, we’re forced to confront these issues head on together, every day…in the same space, under the amazingly huge, watchful eyes of our son.
I say this all to say that what I’m learning along my life & spiritual journey is that there is real irony in setting intentions & manifestation because you pray, you wait, you align yourself accordingly, you maintain faith, you exert positive energy and then it happens...ALL OF IT.
Every single thing you’ve ever wanted is now in your lap and in order to avoid being dragged into a state of low-vibrational moods while battling the incessant symptoms of Imposter Syndrome, you must always remember that you are deserving, that no matter what happened in your past, you're entitled to experiencing pure bliss in your present and future and don't ever forget that you possess every ounce of divine strength and power to manage the responsibilities of having manifested the life of your wildest dreams.
I invite you and welcome you to share any comments, feelings and/or reflections on this post so that you may release, embrace and invoke all of the energy needed to fully receive what's intended for you. This is your safe space.